went to my greatgrandmother's funeral for the past two days.
her's was a 'happy' funeral as she's alr almost 100. throughout the whole funeral, i kept thinking of my uncle.

i miss him alot.

suddenly, i kept thinking of the past. and how sudden he left us. even till now, i dont wish to believe in this at all. someone, pls tell me it's a joke.. a very mean joke. i've to act like.. i've accepted it and life still has to go on (yes).. and since the day it happened till now, i'm still hoping it's just a dream.. a nightmare.

and idk why, but i'm actually afraid/worried and PISSED OFF.
i was worried for kaya the whole day because he simply went MIA for nothing and his hp was switched off. i was at the funeral when sheryl called me.. and you know, how my thoughts ran wild? .. i'm actually afraid he met with some accident and just die like that.

i know it's rly silly and very unlike me.. but i'm afraid of death.
now that i saw him online and he actually went back to school/his hp batt went flat.. first reaction of mine was heng. next was TMDWTF. he made us worried the whole day and... i even went to search for contacts for his house number.

.... i am very very afraid that another friend/relative will just disappear suddenly.
pls, family/relatives&friends.. promise me.. you all wont just leave me alone in this big world. wont just leave like that, wont die. i cant survive in this big world without you all. i hate death and.. am afraid of it.

sometimes we just have to put on a strong front and yet.. deep inside, we're all so vulnerable. i am one example. i can curse and swear but it wont bring my uncle back.. and i dont want anymore of you.. just to leave like that.

i'm only 17, can you all dont expect so much from me?
i'm trying to act in a mature manner infront of the adults.. but i'm childish still. it's difficult to stay calm for long.. sometimes, i just need a place to shout out to.

i'm actually in a elaine-cant-think-clearly/sort-her-thoughts-properly mood.
this is rare, i swear.